How to Stop A Divorce?
Credit:- Lee The Relationship Coach
This is Lee and in this blog, I'm going to talk to you about what to do if your spouse wants a divorce.
So it might be the worst thing that you thought could ever happen to you and that your spouse, your husband, your wife have said they want a divorce. They probably have even left and now you two are separate either legally or otherwise.
And you are wondering how in the world you can put the pieces back together. And in this Blog, I'm going to give you a really good start in putting those pieces back together. And that includes marriage, dating, attraction, and relationship dynamics in general.
My name is Lee, I'm a relationship coach. I'm the developer of the emergency breakup kit, which is great for people who are dating and have been broken up but it's also great for people who have been married and their spouse has left them or wants to leave a lot of people who are even divorced have said it's been extremely helpful and has gotten the opportunity to get their spouse back and I've spoken to plenty of people who have gotten their spouse back from the resources provided in the emergency breakup kit.
Ease off Your Sarcastic Thoughts For a Moment.
So the first thing you need to do if your spouse has said they want a divorce is to stay calm. Now, sure that's easier said than done. No problem, the coach got it. Ease off your sarcastic thoughts for a moment. I get it saying stay calm.
But there is a very strategic reason I'm telling you to stay calm. Have you ever watched a horror movie and you see someone running from a monster right? And there is a condemned house in front of them.
The boards are falling off the shingles are falling off, the windows are broken out and in their state of panic. That condemned house looks extremely inviting. And so they've run into the house in this blind panic. And what looks inviting to them even more so is the staircase and they run upstairs. The monster breaks the door down and follows them upstairs to where their only hope is now jumping out of the window to escape the monster but falling to certain death.
That's what panic will do. It will cause you to make very poor decisions because you are not thinking logically. You're not using the tool you have to figure out the best plan. Instead, you're operating on fear and too much emotion and panic. Those three things are horrible decision-makers. And so if you allow yourself to take action or make decisions, while under their influence, you will most likely harm yourself and your odds of getting your spouse back.
So that's why I listed as number one because a lot of the things I'm going to tell you will require you to be logical and if you are panicking if you're giving in to emotion at the moment, it will be difficult to apply these things or to believe them or to understand them. So I understand you are going through a very painful experience. You're shocked you're hurt. I'm not belittling that. I'm trying to help. So take a breath.
Do your best. Let's dive right in. The main reason you should not panic is that your spouse, your spouse who wants to leave will pick up on that. And let me tell you that panic is not attractive. What you need right now is what is most attractive, but it's not always your presence. It's not always your words. We live in a world where talk show hosts have convinced us that we have to just spill everything that's on our chests.
We have to get it off our chest or else it'll be swept under the rug and will build up all this resentment and will just explode. Nothing could be further from the truth. mature people don't just spill everything. It's in their head and they don't respond or get into disagreements when they're angry. They try their best to wait and to be constructed. My mom used to tell me if you can't say something nice, don't say anything. And of course, anything can be taken to the extreme and I'm not suggesting that you never ever bring up these things. But at this moment when your spouse wants to leave,
How to Stop a Divorce ( #1 Long Distance Relationships)
It's the exact wrong time to bring up issues, to beg to plead to try to convince them to come back. Why? Because they want to leave their motivation is far less to deal with drama, to try to work on the situation to want to experience a negative.
They are not motivated. I speak to a lot of couples who are breaking up and a lot of times it's a long-distance couple or a long-distance relationship. And they've been dating for a few years and all of a sudden one of them now says it's just too difficult being in this long-distance relationship because of the drive or the flight or whatever. You're 500 miles away from me, I just can't handle it anymore.
And long-distance relationships are certainly the most difficult that I've found, generally speaking, to be and as far as the relationship goes, there is just a ton of difficulty in being in a long-distance relationship. But what you have to ask yourself is what changed? Did the distance change? No, it did. So what changed this person was gladly making the trip and has for a while. What changed, their motivation changed.
They weren't as motivated to keep doing it. Why? Because attraction fell. And so if your spouse wants to leave or has left you, they have done so because attraction has fallen and maybe they've given you the dreaded, I love you but I'm not in love with you. But that's their way of saying I care about but I don't feel that intense attraction that I used to.
This is where they experienced these incredible chemical highs from being with another person, a specific person, in fact, and most likely they felt a degree or full-on limerence when they first started dating and developing a relationship with you. But the problem is, is that over time limerence fades and that you can't get those same highs again with the same person.
Save Your True Love to Stop Your Divorce
Opportunity at True Love and Intensity and Romance
So when it's felt for another person, other than the spouse, it seems as though you've never felt this way before. This is your one opportunity at true love and intensity and romance. And that's most likely what they're going through.
If there's another person involved, which means you are white noise to them at the moment. They are intensely focused on this person. So again, the timing here is so important because their motivation is not to work on the issues to get back together with you. Even if you have kids and a family.
They are nearly in a state of being hypnotized by this other person in this relationship within the situation or simply wanting to be away from you. They're so focused on it. And they see this as the goal that they're striving for. And so wanting to go back the other direction is not something they're interested in. And if you try to keep them from it, it makes it oftentimes even more attractive to go in the other direction.
And so you must find your instinct to beg to plead to cry. You must find your instincts to send gifts because it comes across as you trying to bribe them many times. It's like I don't have enough to offer you just as a person.
So I'm going to try to give you gifts to get on your good side. That's how it can appear. I know that's not how you mean it You mean it in that you love this person and you're wanting to demonstrate that and I wish that you could, but you have to understand the mindset of a spouse in this situation.
And it will not help it will not work. So what do you need to do if your spouse wants a divorce? You need to go into what is called no contact that is you need to apply the No Contact Rule. You don't reach out to them. They've said they wanted a divorce. They've said they want to leave. You must give them part of that. Now I'm not suggesting you give them the divorce.
Some people are misled to think well if I just give them an easy divorce, maybe there's hope for us in the future because I didn't irritate them by fighting and the problem is, is that once that divorce has happened once it's final, it's far worse than even trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube. It is very difficult because in their minds they are free of a situation and it's like a wall has been put up it feels more permanent and feels more concrete.
They're standing on new ground and they're single again the world seems open to them and all their problems are over and they will probably find someone else,
How to Stop a Divorce (Give Them Their Space and That Silence.)
So generally speaking and I can't say this every single situation but most of the time you should find the divorce. But you can't appear as though you're fighting, at least not in these early stages. But you do need to give them their space and that silence they need to feel that you are not fighting this. You're not trying to get them back that you are just standing where you are, which is actually the most powerful position to take.
The person who's chasing is not in a position of power. And so they must not feel that you are fighting or trying to get them back or trying to stop them. They must feel that you've let them go. That they are experiencing what they want. That's the only way they can know that they don't want it. And you see when they experience your silence. If they have any doubt. That's when that doubt becomes louder in you.
Because if you are begging and pleading, what becomes loudest in their mind what becomes the forefront of their thoughts. is trying to escape. You make that finish line in their minds, larger, brighter, more beautiful than they're going to but if you don't find it, they don't have to run as hard. They don't have to run as fast. They don't have to strive for it. They can slow down which is what you want. You want to slow them down.
How to Stop a Divorce (When any Doubt They Have an I Assure You)
And that's when any doubt they have and I assure you there is some doubt this is not a decision that is made with 100% certainty. It is usually a small percentage even let's say it's 60% of them wants it and 40% do not over time that 60% wears down 40% This did not happen overnight. I didn't wake up one day and say I want to divorce my spouse. It was overtime. It was gradual. Sometimes it moved faster sometimes until they reached a point where they felt they had to make a decision and this is what they wanted but most likely they have some doubts.
And if you give them the space, the separation. Oftentimes those doubts surface and they must face them. And if they feel that they are losing you that you're not fighting, you're not striving for it. And there's the mystery around that they wonder why you're not what do you do? What's going on? That's when they worry that you might be getting too far away because they do have those doubts and they say wait, I'm not totally sure about this.
At least that's what they start thinking now. You see the moment they're totally sure they're resolved against a brick wall. You cannot fight them. Give them that time, that space, that silence and they fight themselves. Those doubts fight for you, even if they're small doubts because if they have small doubts, they want to try to keep you somewhat close just in case they change their mind. Now, this is especially true if there's another person involved.
But fighting when they are in limerence with another person is not only an effective, it will probably set you back quite a bit because you will appear less attractive and that you were trying to keep them from true love and they will make you an enemy.
You cannot become an enemy because not only is attraction low, but now they are aggressively against you. And it's as though you are trying to keep them from happiness. You will actually bring these two people closer together because they will see you as with the rest of the world and they are against the world with this person is been against the world and you were part of that that is fighting them and they are going to fight together.
Against you do not do that. It is a waste of time. But more importantly, that actually harms your efforts. It lowers the chances that you can get this person back and you can re-attract them. The next thing I'm going to tell you is that if your spouse is saying they want a divorce, you need to get a lawyer. And yes, you probably are thinking no because I don't want the divorce. I get that but you've got to protect yourself.
How to Stop a Divorce (People Become Monsters in Divorce)
People become monsters in divorce because a lot of times they're so convinced this is what they want. People will file restraining orders against you, without you even knowing it and you show up at your own house all of a sudden, you're a felon.
Now the good news is a lot of states have changed the laws on that. And so now you get your day in court to prove if you're a danger or not, and there should be a restraining order against you at all.
But that's a sneaky, nasty, low tactic that lawyers convince people to do in this kind of situation because there's a lot of money for them. Trust me. I have watched people become monsters. And you may be thinking No it's not. It's not like that.
We just guess it will be because the lawyer will convince them that they have to protect themselves and that you are some narcissist or who knows what you'll be thinking they're the narcissist well, they
think that you are probably because we use that word today, everywhere. Everybody is a narcissist and they don't want to be with me right? At least that's what it seems like. And they will be convinced that you are evil who are against them and you're trying to keep them from happiness, which is the worst kind of evil and they will lie you're out most likely. Even if they tell you they're not. I have no idea how many times people will say to the spouse They're leaving. No, no, I'm not going to get a lawyer. It's going to be simple.
And then they show up with a lawyer. And all of a sudden, the person in your shoes is taken advantage of is ruined in many ways because you didn't have legal representation. And trust me, you don't know how to correct that world unless you have a professional telling you how. So at least get someone on your side. Tell them the situation. They can tell you what not to say because that's very important.
Your emails, your text, they will all be kept most likely by this person. And you can say things that are slip-ups that can hurt you. You don't even realize. So I understand you want them back and that's what I hope for you and I'm trying to help do. But you've got to protect yourself. Because, again, what did I say? It's too easy. If they get the divorce too quickly.
Your odds of getting them back diminish greatly. And your lawyer will slow things down because the whole process is slowed down when you have two lawyers who are playing a game of chess. And yes, I'm sorry that it might come to that. But it's during that time when you slow down, that limits can wear off with those doubts can take hold in their mind, and they can start to think that maybe they made the wrong decision.
They don't want you to get too far away because they're not sure they want to lose you. Any confusion. Any pause is what you need right now. So yes get yourself a lawyer to protect yourself and to slow things down. Trust me on this one. You will thank me if you weren't going to do it in the first place. It hurts nothing to make sure that you're protected and it makes sense.
How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage Life
The third thing I'm going to tell you to do, make yourself as attractive as possible. Attraction, physical, emotional, and intellectual. So work on those three areas. Spend time with close friends and family people who won't divorce you people who don't break up with you. Be with those people. Contact your friends' list. You can probably write down 15 or 20 contacts and say I'm going through a rough time.
Could we get together this week? I just want to hang out. You can probably do that three or four nights a week that would be great for you. There is good information out there that says that that can help you get out of the depression. Get out of the anxiety that comes with the situation so just contact a good friend and say, I really need to see you this week to hang out. I'm just going through a rough time.
Now, I would suggest that when you're with them, be careful about going on and on about it. Yes, tell them your situation. Tell them you're going through some difficulty if you feel you can share it to talk to them. Be careful not to be negative about your spouse because you don't want to get it back to them with their lawyer that can get you into trouble.
But you can tell them some get it out a little bit. But concentrate on having fun because you want this person to want to be around you again and because you need to just have fun to hang out to laugh with another person who is a close friend and it's not going to divorce you that you can feel some stability with and have some fun with. It will make a big difference. You will feel better trust me you will feel better. So go ahead and do that.
This is an easy, demonstrable step that you can take to feel better write up that list, text them and say in the next week. You get together one night, put it on your calendar, try to fill that calendar up with going places with friends hanging out being in groups of people, just trying to take a break from what you're going through. Socialize, have a good time with people who care about you.
That will help you be more attractive because you will not be wallowing in this you will not be down in this that's emotionally not attractive when you are and of course, if your spouse sees you hears about and the odds are good they will even if you are not trying to make them do so. And we want you to look as attractive as possible, emotionally speaking, and of course, physically speaking take care of yourself. Just because you down did not mean that you don't fix your hair and you don't shower. It doesn't mean that you ignore yourself.
How to Stop a Divorce (Physical Attraction)
You owe it to yourself to look as good as you can dress nicely when you go out. Baby. Do your hair. Ladies do your makeup as you normally would you want your spouse to see you as physically attractive. That's part of the equation. Is it shallow? No, it's not. It's just how we are as humans. That's why we have eyes.
We're built to look at someone and say that person is attractive and to feel things just like we're built to be emotionally attracted to other people. We're intellectually attractive. It's part of the pie. It's part of the whole thing. You want to be attractive in every way that you can because humans are built to be attracted to people based on more than just one thing.
So again, physical attraction, emotional attraction, and intellectual attraction work on all of them. rebook, develop a new hobby. Watch the news, that that makes you more doubt, but try to learn about what's going on in the world so that your spouse does have that. Those doubts resurface and they just want to see for coffee do have something great to talk about.
And that's again where I want to tell you if you meet up with your spouse and have conversations, do not talk about the issues or the difficulty or the pending divorce or whatever, try to keep it light and they may bring it up and you will have to answer but as much as it is up to you to keep the conversation light in many ways, feel like you're starting over with this person.
Maybe not date one but early on, where your goal is to retract them to get them to fall in love with you again and you won't do that by trying to hammer out the issues talking about the divorce those are negatives, but those are unattractive things and right now they've got to get their attraction up their motivation up to potentially work on these things in the future. So you've got work to do. Before you can do that.
Hopefully, your situation is not as dire as that they are seeking a divorce at lightspeed. Hopefully, they are not but if they are, you can slow them down and you may need to be like, Look, I don't want this divorce. I want you to slow it down. Might be expensive. You have to decide if it's worth it to you and I understand that this is very overwhelming.
Take a breath. Take it one day at a time you do have time. It's amazing how long a day really is when you try to focus on the seconds and the breaths and don't look too far ahead. Right now. You were taking things one day at a time. This takes me back to what I mentioned in the beginning. Stay away from panic.